Rainbow Sprinkles

OCD stands for obsessive-compulsive disorder. Honestly, I’m not diagnosed by a doctor, but I do show many signs of it and I feel like the best way to deal with it is to accept it.

Over the years, my OCD has gotten worse.  I’ve always liked things neat and organized.  With a cluttered thought process like mine, just the simple look of pens all facing the same way can ease my mind and make me not feel completely crazy for a second.

Once I started college, I began thinking for myself and being confident.  I continued to work for two years and finally got to where I wanted to be mentally.  Unfortunately, that work went to shit when I dated someone who used my kindness for personal gain.

Imagine you’re stacking quarters – one quarter per day.  For approximately 2 years/730 days/$182.50 in quarters, I stacked and stacked for him to come in and pull the bottom quarter out from day 1.  I spent the next four months gathering my quarters.

For those four months, I stopped doing everything that eased my OCD tendencies.  I kept my things together but I wasn’t itching to constantly make sure everything was in place.  I shut down as a person to build myself back up; I was holding the home button and power button on my life.  My life went black and then the brightness came back.  I realized that I wasn’t acting much on my anxious ticks of organizing my drawer or tearing my closet apart just to put it back in a more organized way.  Having this epiphany helped me get back on track.  I shortly bounced back from the collapse of my quarter tower.

So now imagine having a constant need to make things neat and organized.  I would describe my thoughts as a pile of rainbow sprinkles and I’m constantly sorting them by color.  I’m also going to throw in the fact that I’m blue-green/blue-red color blind.

It’s one of those piles that continues to get bigger.  Every fucking second it multiplies exponentially.  I can’t control it.  I’m always sorting through: am I making him happy enough?  Am I doing everything right?  Am I doing a good enough job as President of Danceworks?  I need to post about my workout today.  I hope I don’t fuck up.  How should I handle a communication issue?  I don’t wanna be overbearing.  Am I’m being too much?  Am I going to ruin something else again?  It’s just a constant domino of thoughts swirling around my head.  All day.  Everyday.

It wasn’t until recently when I felt like someone was beating me down that I realized that, besides my anxious ticks, I have to be around people to ease my mind.  Friends, acquaintances, strangers, whatever it may be.  The connections I make with people I know (or don’t know) make me feel full inside.  I’m glad I decided to run as President even though I was scared that I wasn’t ready for it.  I’m glad I have put myself in stressful situations with people I don’t know because now I know a handful of people that I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life.  I’m glad I care about everyone else around me just as much as I care about myself.  The people around me everyday get me through the jumble of rainbow sprinkles constantly being shuffled in my head.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s